notes from the desert: #2

Inadequacy.

We all struggle with it. Did I do enough? Why did I say that? Oh no I think I made a weird face when my coworker asked me to do that one thing why did I do that? Why am I so bad at this?

These questions roll around my mind constantly. Some weeks I live on the edge of constant fear that someone is going to find out that I'm a fraud. That I've been masquerading as a smart, capable, put-together person and that underneath it all, I have no idea what the heck I'm doing. In my career, in my relationships, in my responsibilities. It's all hinged on a series of google searches, advice from others, and epiphanies I have while watching This is Us.

But here's the thing about inadequacy: it thrives off it's siamese twin, fear. They are the Blair Waldorf and Serean Van der Woodsen of emotions. Rarely apart. Insufferable when together.

Inadequacy and fear are clever in their approach, because they know what they are up against. If they can get you to focus on yourself and look down, down, down - they win. Because as soon as you look up and around at all the other people who have their gaze focused on their own inadequacy, you realize you're not alone. 

A couple of weeks ago, I had the privilege to join the youth group on their annual fall retreat. I spent most of the weekend running around, trying to keep up with twelve sophomore girls and feeling a lot like a chicken with it's head cut off. I was joined by one of the most gifted and loved members of our church, which was a big blessing to me since I do not have any children and was all of a sudden just handed twelve of them. But instead of feeling grateful for her, I felt jealous. "What if my students like her more? Why wouldn't they? I make awkward mom jokes and I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO DAB." Inadequacy and fear took their usual spots on my right and left and made themselves right at home all weekend. Until God intervened and was like "girl bye!" and gently reminded me of a few truths.

"Maddi, it's not about you." 

WHAT?!

"Even if they do like her better, even IF they actually do hate you, it's not ABOUT YOU. It's about me. It's about showing up and serving others, even when you don't feel like it. Even when you feel like you can't. Because I never asked you if you can. I asked you to try. I'll work through you. We can do this."

And that's all we can do, really. We are all just people - broken, hopeless, messed up, imperfect people. Some of us hold too much of our own baggage. Some of us grab anything we can to feel whole. But we are all here, trying. 

I've found that when I'm focusing on my own insecurities and failings, I've lost sight of my purpose: to serve other people. It's taking me 23 years (and counting!) to realize that when my gaze is inward, it is subsequently then NOT concentrated on helping others. Sometimes, you have to lift your gaze and get to work before inadequacy and fear leave you alone. And they will, I promise. They may try to come back, but they don't own you.

I know this because I'm here, and the more I talk about this the more I realize that fear and inadequacy are constantly whispering to as many people as they can get. ALSO, everyone Googles the answers to things. EVERYONE. Even Mark Zuckerberg.* Maybe even Steve Jobs.*

*I've never spoken to either of them in real life so don't blame me if that's not true!